Here’s an irony.

The guy with the depression blog has been too depressed to write anything.

That might sound like an attempt at getting a laugh, but the reality has been far more serious. I just have not been able to sit down and write anything as of late because my depression has been so overwhelming. Everything has seemed like such an effort, from going to work each day to eating to simply getting out of bed in the morning. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and blank staring. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if it has ever been this bad before.

f9ea6e1bd3885b9a1993e8659649bd38Even worse, though, than not feeling as if I had the energy or strength to even talk about it has been the fact that I have actually felt prohibited from even mentioning it.

Over the past several weeks, I have had trust betrayed. I’ve suffered financial loss. I’ve seen dear relationships disappear. I have had a monumental crisis of faith, feeling many times as if God has completely abandoned me. I would love to share all the details concerning every one of those statements, but I do not feel as if I can. Some are too personal. Some I feel would only encourage misconceptions about me that already existed. Some would likely draw the ire of at least a few readers.

I am dying to bare my soul. I just can’t.

I felt I had reached a point in life not that long ago where I could live openly with depression. I could talk about it. I could share my struggles with others in a very real and transparent way. I felt genuine and whole. Then I discovered that made some people uncomfortable. I was even told to “get help” (which I already was, by the way). I paid dearly for my openness. Suddenly, exposing myself so openly through this blog seemed like a risky proposition. Was I damaging myself? Was I thinking I was providing a service but all the time just coming off as some sort of circus freak? I’m not sure if I have answered either of those questions yet.

As I write this, I am thinking of someone very special to me who I basically have no contact with anymore. I am thinking of all the anger I have had to work through from people negatively impacting my life. I am thinking of all the regrets I have about how I handled things in the past. I am thinking of how worthless and pathetic I feel at the moment. I am thinking and thinking and thinking…

But I’m not saying.

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