I’ve been shattered.

I thought it had happened before. I mean, after living with dysthymia for as long as I can remember, I knew I had touched some pretty deep lows. Looking back, though, that’s what they were – lows. I was still together, even thought I’m sure I didn’t feel like it at the time. My core was still intact, and even though the voice was small, there was always something inside of me telling me I would survive.

That wasn’t the case this time.

There’s something different about having everything you know (or thought you knew) blown to bits. When all shatteredthe things you relied upon before suddenly seem suspect. When your faith is shaken to its very foundations. Instead of picking yourself up off the floor, you find yourself crawling around on it, looking for the pieces of yourself scattered around the room.

You’re not whole anymore. You’re fragmented.

Shattered.

I’m still searching for all the pieces of myself. Every now and then I find one, but the hunt has been elusive so far. There are people I need to complete the puzzle. There are feelings I felt once that now seem inaccessible. There are situations I long to return to which are off limits to me. I feel very helpless at the moment, and I hate that feeling.

So if you’ve seen me around out there, let me know. I need some help putting myself back together. As much as I would like to do it all myself, I realize now that I can’t. I’m not just broken down this time.

I’m shattered.

One comment on “Shattered

  • I really enjoy your posts and apologize for not commenting sooner. When you stated that “there are people I need to complete the puzzle”, what did you mean by that? Because as I am learning to cope with my depression (yes, I understand that my depression is different than dysthymia), I am learning that I need to rely on myself first. I say this because after my hospitalization last December, I lost my father to cancer (and was forbidden to see him the final 5 months of his life), my wife has asked for a divorce, and my grandfather recently passed (he was my heart). I’m learning that I need myself first. I need to love myself, believe in myself, and support myself first. Yes, a support system is necessary, but they are not what “completes my puzzle”. The only person that can complete my puzzle is me.

    Again, I enjoy your posts. I enjoy your honesty and courage to open up publicly. I’ve only been blogging since May and my “openness” has been very gradual. You are courageous. Thank you.

    Julie

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