Before I say anything else, I’d like to apologize to everyone who attempts to read this blog regularly for all the problems the website has had lately. I am convinced more than ever that whatever is happening to make the site go down is a Go Daddy problem, but Go Daddy is insisting it isn’t their fault. Regardless, I keep having to restore everything about every other day, which is highly annoying. So I am genuinely sorry if you have come here and not been able to find anything. Hopefully, this will all get straightened out soon.

One of the reasons I started a blog in the first place is because I hate to be bored. I don’t do well just doing nothing. I’ve been on break from school the past couple of weeks, and I’m feeling that sense of restlessness begin to creep in. It’s almost like if I can’t allocate every second of the day to something, I’m lost. Right now, as I’m typing this, I’m at my daughter’s basketball practice. Apparently, watching practice isn’t enough activity for me on its own.

I’ve often heard the word hole used when describing depression. Yes, experiencing depression can make a person feel as if they are in a deep, dark hole, but that is not exactly the meaning I am getting at here. I mean that depression seems to create a void inside a person, a space of emptiness that leaves a hollowed-out feeling. And what is the natural thing to do when one sees a gaping hole? Try to fill it, of course.

And this is where so many of us get into trouble.

It’s no secret that many people attempt to fill their holes with unhealthy things. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, even self-harm … the list could go on and on. What happens, though, when we try to fill our holes with things that aren’t all that bad on the surface? I write. I go to school. I play guitar. I work. I do just about anything I can to fill in the space I feel inside me. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. I keep trying, though, because I’m convinced that one day something I throw at the wall will stick.

Am I flailing at the air, though? Can peace really be found by doing a bunch of stuff? I’m sorry to say that so far in my experience the answer is no. I stay plenty busy, but I also tend to stay depressed a great majority of the time. That would lead me to believe there are certain benefits to just being still sometimes. Maybe I should put my phone down sometimes. Maybe I should pray more. Maybe I could skip a day or two of blogging. For some, all of these suggestions would be easy to incorporate into daily life, but I struggle to stop moving. I’m afraid if I do, the hole won’t get filled.

I suppose that’s why I’ve been so upset about this site going down so frequently lately. If the site is down, it’s not doing anything, which means in a sense I’m not doing anything either. I need to know someone is reading what I’m writing. That may sound egotistical, but it’s really not. It all has to do with filling that hole. Now, if I can just get Go Daddy to understand that…

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